Sunday, June 29, 2008
{ 1:09 AM }
i'm wrong. i was wrong and am wrong. yes, you've been very nice to me. you tried your best to fulfill my needs and made sure i'm well. but have you thought of my feelings? it's so difficult to take everything alone. i've got no one to talk to. maybe you thought i've got no emotions or you thought this is not important. all you care is about me being nice and also my studies. "if you got a cert, you'll have a good job and you'll have no problem with money." do you know that i'm going to snap now? your expectations of me is so much i'm afraid i'll fail you. i don't want to fail you. i've worked. but maybe i require more work than others. i'm not that smart. i don't want to act nice anymore. i'm not someone who is nice. it's hard to act someone you're not. i don't see the light here. my future is so blur. i don't even know if i've any future. i'm scared of the future and what it brings. i'm sorry i made you unhappy. i'm sorry i've hurt you. but my heart, it hurts too. it's bleeding..so painful. and i'm tired. i'm sick and tired of life. i want to rest. forever. what's the only way to rest forever? death. but the thought of death scares me..many times, i thought of ending my life. but there's just so many things i think i'll miss. i can't bare to leave. i'm so cold here. i feel so lonely because it seems nobody understands me. i understand that there are people much worse than me..but i'm really drained and i don't think i can hold onto this heavy burden anymore. it's been so many years..someone take me to somewhere new. i want to start a new life in a new place, with someone new.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
{ 6:16 AM }
i just came back from school. actually the thingy ended quite early like 4 plus, but i went to walk walk so in the end i came home at this time. hahaas. i'm in the same group as shuying! group 1. this was what i am hoping for and i was so shock to see our names together. we were looking looking for our names but couldnt find it. so when there's one left, she said she's in that group then i told her i also cant find my name in the other sheets of papers. then when i looked at the last piece, both our names were there(: yay! i'm really thankful to have here with me(:(: today dont know why after the briefing, i felt really scared and depress. like emo like that=/ hahaas. thought a lot a lot on my way on the mrt.
i wish to say a big thank you to all my friends for being my friends. i really appreciate everything you all did for me and i'm really thankful to have all of you. i love my friends(:
Thursday, June 26, 2008
{ 6:48 AM }
sigh. it's approaching the end of the exams and i'll be getting my results soon. man..please let me get at least 4S. or better still some E and some C. but obviously cant i know that. i'm really demoralised now. feel as though somethings pressing on my chest. i cant breathe. sigh sigh sigh..the me now is saying she misses the me in the past. man. why do i keep clinging onto the past. the past is like a thin string. i'm hanging on it. it's on the verge of snapping and i'm scared now. i'm so scared. i'm so scared..
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
{ 7:07 AM }
我快要喘不过气来了。突然之间我觉得好累好累。天啊，我几时才能脱离苦海呢？
Sunday, June 22, 2008
{ 9:23 PM }
i'm currently in the library. man..i'm so bored and tired. this morning has made me want to just go home and sleep. i dont want to take my gp paper anymore. chem was a total mess. i screwed the paper which i studied for (although i didnt manage to finish studying the last chapter). and now, i dont know what to say, neither do i know what to do. i feel unmotivated): oh wells. how i wish i would just melt away under the hot sun=/ or how i wished i can be thrown into the rubbish bin and then brought to the landfill to be burried forever and ever and ever. oh. there's something i regret. i regret going when i went. i'm so stupid to have chosen this path. shouldnt have chen qiang. sometimes, if you think you cannot, dont force yourself. hahaas!!! i was reading the previous post and i feel that people do grow. i'm an example(: and as i read the posts, memories came flooding back. i cant help but say..I MISS THE PAST! IT'S SO GOOD TO BE YOUNG! i shall be as happy as i can now before the results of my exam comes out=x hahaas!! then mum will come and kill me..=P
current mood: crappy
Saturday, June 21, 2008
{ 7:10 AM }
ohohoh!!!! 我刚刚吃了榴莲! 美味极了。 虽然已经吃完了，可是我还在回味(:(: yay! i'm finally blogging in chinese! and green tea macflurry is DELICIOUS! i looooooove green tea macflurry. hahaas! must thank huixin for it man. i was still deciding if i should eat it on wednesday. when i finally decided to eat it, i wasnt that keen. but but but, i didnt regret eating because it is really nice(:
{ 6:59 AM }
actually i wanted to blog in chinese, but i dont know what i should say. man, i'm so worried i'll lose my ability to write and speak madarin after leaving chung cheng. i shall blog in chinese when my day is more simple to talk about. hahaas(: yesterday had gp consultation. actually we wanted to stay in school to discuss our pw and then the rest can go for physics consultation after our pw. but, when firdaus told me and rena right before our gp consultation that we need to go to sss because we were suppose to have an interview with them yesterday, we were shocked. still we managed to overcome the problem(: hahaas! we went sss after our gp consultation. after eating in century square, we took 168 to the school. i'm so thankful for the group. my pw group is fun and wonderful! lucky i'm in it(:(: when we reached there, the people there are so so soooooo nice. thank you for helping us with our project(: i didnt regret going there suddenly and not studying for my mid years. hahaas. i really dont know how i'm going to survive the results days=/
Thursday, June 19, 2008
{ 7:50 AM }
monday was photo taking. i dont like photo taking=/ i know i look ugly and horrible inside the photos. man..i dont want it to be put outside GO, where everyone can see=x i was suppose to mug with thendral and yinmei, but i ended up spending my time in council room and walking around with yihui. i like to slack around(: at 1 i went lunch with thendral. then the auntie there very funny. she came and talked to us. first she asked if we are sisters. then she asked if we are sec 1. -.-" the two of us didnt know what to say. but she was so friendly. hahaas. i thought i need to go pp with mum to fix her handphone, but it appeared that the handphone "recovered". sad. cant go pp. hahaas. wednesday went back to school to help with the blazer. finally i didnt something for my com(: i'm so happy you know although i'm tired too. i reached at around 10 but there wasnt anyone there. so i sat there and did my work. after that sandeep, binli, huixin and xavier came and sat for a while then left. so i was alone again. not long after suan kai came. then he sorted the blazer and i helped pack. at around 12, huixin came in with her lunch. suan kai and me were hungary so we started deciding what we should eat. we took quite long to decide what we want-.-" hahaas. we finally decided on pasta(: actually i wanted to order potato salad, but they only delivered one, so i didnt eat it in the end. anyways after i finished eating my pasta i feel very full already. glad they heard wrongly. after eating we continued packing the blazers. pack pack pack until around 4 plus. then we went to join huixin and edwin in the ava room. sat there and slacked until around 5 plus. when we were leaving, huixin say the greentea macflurry very nice. so i was deciding if i should eat or not. because if i want to eat, i cant eat it onto the mrt..i will have to keep it until bedok which means it'll melt. but if i sit there and eat that macflurry like very weird because it's such a small thing. in the end, after a long time, i decided to go tampines and buy. i bought and walked with huixin to tamp library to look for sam. but she wasnt there, so i stayed in the library a while then go home. man..3 days more to school reopen! jiayou theodora!!!!!! tomorrow still got gp consultation and pw meeting. i must cheng xia qu!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
{ 7:00 AM }
i'm holding onto my past. but the more i hold onto it, the faster its slipping through my fingers.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
{ 6:01 AM }
sometimes i feel i dont belong there. i'm more of some kind of loser than a person who can work properly. or maybe i think too much. why do i always think so much. isnt it better this way? i like it like that. i hope to use this privilege that people has given me to concentrate on my own things and do it well. but this made me feel that i'm useless. do you think i am? maybe..but even if nobody gives me an opportunity to make the best out of myself, i will in the end. ha. maybe i wont afterall..this is just my wishful thinking. ah! no! theodora, you cannot think that way. you must zhen4 zuo4 qi3 lai2!!!! jia you, you can do it!!!!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
{ 7:06 AM }
LAST WEEKwow. holidays was quite fun until now. i think i seriously need to start mugging because i havent even touched anything yet! oh no. hahaas. but oh wells. last week was pre u sem week. tuesday was the opening and friday was the closing. i had to wake up like 4.30 am and i had to book a cabbie to school because it's so early that there isnt any transport available. -.-" poor me. couldnt get enough sleep. but it was fun because my group did quite nothing on tuesday. we only need to stand there(: that's why after our duty we had to help out the road marshals and on friday, we dont even need to do our duty. we straight away became road marshals. the thing ended quite early but lunch and the bus service back to mj was late. like we had to wait for two hours without doing anything. so we ended up exploring the school(: pre u sem duty is fun!!
i met up with queen, mao and mians on wednesday! i really miss them a lot a lot. early in the morning we had our breakfast at pp macs. then we made our way back to cchms to collect our certificate. no fair! my testimonial so short only): hahaas. then we went to plaza sing to eat our lunch. we had dessert there! strawberry milk ice and dont know what mango and durian thingy. queen even ate pasta after eating macs breakfast. hahaas! but eat little bit and have a lot of left over that kind. we stayed at pasta mania and played bridge and daidi until we decided to go for the movies. watch accuracy of death. i dont really understand the story though. towards the end, i even slept-.-" i think because i too tired already. the day before woke up too early.
thursday is our pw interview with a doctor. but when we reach there, the doctor was not free. in the end, another person came to help us with our project. at first she didnt really say a lot of things, but later, anothere person came. then she provided us with a lot of information(: the people there are so nice and helpful. if not for them, i dont think we know so many things. i really learnt a lot from them. and and and..i love my pw group. after the interview we had lunch at tan tock seng hospital. after which i had to rush back to white sands to finish the invitations.
THIS WEEKmonday and yesterday was the physics enrichment camp. it was quite fun. i mean the experiments. but not all experiments were fun though. on the first day, we had three lectures but i didnt really listen to two of them because i couldnt understand nuts about it. at first for the first lecture i was very enthu. but as he carried on talking about all the things i dont understand, i switched off(: i ended up studying for chem instead. after lunch was the experiments. all the expermints were quite difficult because it's very different from what we do now. so i couldnt understand anything again. i ended up playing with the apparatus or sleeping. hahaas. i dont understand anything anyways because they are talking physics! hahaas. tuesday is pretty the same. just that there are more experiments and there's a quiz at the end of everything. hahaas. i love the superconductor experiment.
can you see that small little thing floating? it's the superconductor! it can like fly lor. so cute!!!!
today is class outing day! met hoa kiat at the bus stop and his late-.-" hahaas. after that we met lip chew, ni chen at the harbour front mrt station. after meeting them, we went to find sihoon and jiayun then together we went giant to buy food to eat at sentosa. they bought a lot of things but still not that much la. i ended up only buying m&ms and sweet plus one lollipop. later met sy and fifi at the ticket booth and we bought tickets to take the sentosa rail into sentosa. i was so blur i tapped the card at the wrong side. it's like you're suppose to tap it at the right side then go in, but i tapped it at the left side. then i couldnt go in until the person there told me i'm suppose to tap the right side not the left side. -.-" we went to find a place to put our belongings after we reach the beach. although it was a school holiday, there wasnt much people on this side of the beach. i think there is like two beaches but we took the quiter one. at first everyone was sitting there at the bench and eating. then sy asked me to bury ourselves. so i started to help her dig a hole and put sand all over her. later everyone joined in burying sy in the sand exposing only her head! hahaas. then very funny. they were like saying later people think that her head is a ball then kick it. hahaas! we left her there to enjoy the sand after burying her. hahaas. then we went to the water. at first everyone was reluctant to go into the water, but after a while, one by one we became wet. actually i didnt want to get wet, but because i tripped and fell in the water, so i became wet): hahaas. but very fun. we were playing some random game when there was something white floating in the distant sea. at first everyone thought it was some box, but as it came closer to the shore, it became obvious to us that it was a dead fish. it really stink, so we went onto the shore. then because it stink so badly, sy and i went to another part of the beach. fifi wanted to bury the fish! but the fish cant seem to reach the shore, so fifi and kc went out into the sea to get the fish back. it was so funny!! and everyone was looking at them burying the fish. hahaas! after all this commotions, we went to another place to play captain's ball. we o-ya-pei-ya-som(dont know how to spell=P) to divide ourselves into groups until quite long still couldnt get a distinct grouping. but later we managed to divide ourselves into two groups of 5(: the game was so fun and funny. i really really enjoyed myself. i didnt regret going for the class outing(: when everyone got tired, we went back to our bags and some decided to eat. at first we wanted to play some more, but some say want to go rent bikes, so we went to bathe. sy and i left for the toilet first. but when we reached there, we found our the water supply was cut off. so we went back to tell the others. in the end, we all decided to walk to another toilet which is not too near. and that toilet has a long queue:( no choice, we had to line up. it took us all like an hour before everyone came out. because it was still too early to go for dinner but too late to rent bikes, they decided to go around taking class photo. it was really fun(: but i had leg cramps. at the wrong time man..after taking photos, we went back to vivocity to wait for those who would be coming to come for dinner. when everyone decided to leave for dinner, sy wanted to shop, so i accompanied her a while. we went to toy..aiya, the girraffe toy shop. (as usual, i dont know how to spell the name of the shop-.-") and she managed to get what she wanted(: after she got what she wanted, she was so happy and we decided to join the rest for dinner at the hawker centre near the bus-stop. everyone went to order their food and we started eating. poor me, my unglam side got caught on camera:( so embarrassing!!! hahaas. but it was funny though. hahaas! one day i'll get everyone's unglam photo!!! (: after one tiring day, everyone decided to go home, but some say they wanted to go back to vivocity, so we all walked to the mrt station. but but but. when we reached the mrt station, everyone decided to take the mrt. so everyone left. we had to walk back to the bus-stop:( but, when we reached the bus-stop, we caught bus 30! so it's ok(: man, it was a tiring day, but it was all worth the tiredness because i enjoyed myself a lot a lot a lot, too much that cant be described by words. i love 08s204!
